


Black Sheep

by overcastboy



Category: The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Coming Out, M/M, Post Mission, implied conversion therapy, its hard and nobody understands, its hard being connor mckinley, warning for child abuse, warning for the F slur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 22:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13086903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overcastboy/pseuds/overcastboy
Summary: Connor McKinley, freshly home from his mission, being reunited with loved ones and meeting families.





	Black Sheep

**Author's Note:**

> Another quick warning for the F slur, some abuse, and implied conversion therapy. It's is towards the beginning and over quickly. Mcpriceley comes toward the end.

Connor McKinley had been home from his mission for nearly three months. It was, for the most part, good to be back. He was glad to indulge in all the greasy American foods he missed the most. He was glad to have a bed again, instead of a musty cot. He was glad to have the internet and a phone again, especially so he could keep in touch with his former mission companion and closest friend, Christopher “Poptarts” Thomas. His family had thrown a huge party upon his return, where they fixed all his favorite foods, invited every relative they could think of, and even scrounged together enough money to buy Connor his first car. He was delighted to be back home in Mississippi - but it was bittersweet.

For one, he missed everyone left in Kitguli to death. He wrote letters to all his friends, mission brothers and villagers, asking how they were, how the volunteer work was going, if he should send anything, asking how Elder Church was holding up as new District Leader. He couldn’t bare thinking something went wrong since he’s been gone. (not that much had gone right to begin with.) Or worse -what if they all forgot about him already entirely?

Then there was Elder Price. Connor’s chest ached and he felt so helpless whenever he remembered the 8,000 miles separating him and his boyfriend. Connor wrote letters to Kevin daily, about nothing and everything, despite the fact Kevin could only write back on Sundays. He’d send photos, poems, cassette tapes to play on the old radio in the mission hut, and on two occasions he sent Kevin his own shirts, just so he could remember how Connor smelled.

Most of all, even more than all his friends, and even more than Kevin; Connor missed absolute freedom.

For the glorious better part of two years, and the first time in his entire young life, Connor was able to be completely himself, in every single flaming flamboyant way possible. No one questioned why he was a boy with glittering luggage or why his favorite color was pink. No one told him he needed to find a man’s hobby when he practiced dancing. No one glared when he hugged his boyfriend or kissed his boyfriend or held his boyfriend’s hand. He was so free and so filled with absolute bliss, he forgot it was only temporary. It was all over so suddenly Connor almost forgot how to be the person his parents expected.

The relief of being back in the first world was cancelled quickly by the anxiety of resurfacing his old lifestyle. Dusty, abandoned light switches were shut off once again. It took a few weeks before his mind started to work the way it used to again. Old stress began to reemerge itself onto his consciousness, resulting in worse and worse nightmares until Connor was back to barely getting any sleep each night.

On one particularly cruel evening, he lit a lavender candle in his bedroom and started another letter to his boyfriend.

Dear Kevin,

I love you enough to let you know nothing’s been easy. I don’t want to worry you, darling. Keep focusing on the last few weeks of your mission. I only want to be honest. That, and sometimes writing to you makes me feel better, so maybe I’m just indulging.  
The nightmares came back. Some helldreams, some are just plain horrible regular dreams, but I haven’t had much sleep.  
I’m constantly worried about you and Arnold and Nabalungi and everyone. I know it's silly, I know you’re all capable of taking care of yourselves. But all I can think about is everything that could possibly hurt you out there.  
My parents are starting to get back into their old habits. They were sweet at first, but just the other day they asked me if I needed to be in therapy again. I hate therapy. I never ever ever ever want to go back to stupid therapy, Kevin. I haven’t told them yet. Not about you, not about choosing to be out. I think I might tonight.  
I love you, Kevvy. So much. Thinking about seeing you again has made everything worth the wait.  
Stay safe, sweetheart. I’ll see you soon.

Love, Connor.

~~~~~

That evening, after dinner was cleaned and his three youngers brothers went off to do their homework, Connor said a prayer in his room, asking for strength and bravery. Even after his mission-gone-wrong, his boyfriend’s dramatic loss of faith, and Arnold writing and proselytizing his new Book of Mormon spinoff, Connor still believed fully in his God. His ideas of what God his had just changed. If anything, Arnold and Kevin’s little incident only made his faith stronger. He stopped believing his God hated him, or cursed him, and started believing for the first time he was actually worthy of Heavenly Father’s love.

The young man proceeded up the stairs of his basement bedroom to the living room, where his mother and father, Laura and Patrick, were reading and making small talk in an otherwise silent room.

He stepped in front of the couch, muscles tense and throat dry. “Can I talk to you guys?”

“Of course, Con.” His mother smiled and set down her book. “Why dontcha’ sit?”

He nodded and pulled up an ottoman so he could remain sitting across from them, facing them. Mission training left Connor skilled in speaking to people directly, even about difficult subjects. But convincing someone to take a Book of Mormon was a lot easier than convincing someone to take a gay son.

”Well… you know my mission wasn’t exactly the most, um, by the book.” He began slowly. “But I can honestly say, we’ve made a huge difference in Kitguli, and I feel closer to my now faith than I ever have.”

“Well that's just fantastic, Connor.” His father said.

“Thank you. But I… I learned a lot about myself, too. Who I am, and who I want to be, and how I want to live my life from here on out.”

His mother’s eyebrow perked. “What on earth are you talking about, sweetpea?”

“I, uh… I learned about loving myself. And how Heavenly Father loves me.” Connor’s hands began to ring in his lap. “And loving myself means I’m not going to pretend to be something I’m not anymore. That is to say... I’m gay, and I know that’s no secret, but I’m not going to try change that any longer. I love being gay. I don’t want to do therapy, or pray for forgiveness anymore. I just want to be who I’ve always been.”

His parents said nothing. Heavy silence filled the room.

“Excuse you?” His father hissed.

“Absolutely not.” His mother snapped. “I thought we were over this, Connor. We let you go on this mission because you were done. You were appointed district leader because you promised you were cured.”

Connor’s throat began to swell. Some tiny piece of him that imagined this could possibly go well withered and died right then and there. “This isn’t something I want to be cured. I’m not sick, I’m not diseased, I’m just gay and there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“You know damn well that isn’t true.” Patrick stood. “You’ve always known that. We were so proud of you for finally correcting yourself, what in God’s name has gotten into you?”

“I told you, I learned so much in Uganda.” Connor stood as well. He never realized until now that since he’d returned, he was as tall as his father. “I’m happier this way. I don’t want to turn it off or pretend to be someone else anymore.”

“You’ll go to hell this way, Connor.” Laura had tears starting to roll down her cheeks. “We tried to protect you.”

“Think of everything we’ve done for you.” Patrick advanced forward, a blue vein bulging from his neck. “The hundreds, if not thousands of dollars spent on therapy, the constant meetings with your bishops, paying for your mission. We let you stay in dance, we let you do all your stupid musicals. All we asked in return is you stay loyal to your faith, and your family. How dare you throw away everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you?! We trusted you alone, off in some other country, we trusted you to keep this under control. What happened to you?”

Connor’s breath stopped, and he reminded himself not to cry. “I… I met someone. I met a boy. He joined our district a few months after me, his name is Kevin. I love him, and he loves m-“

Connor didn’t even see his father’s hand raise before his whole cheek was red and burning. He looked to the floor, hot tears threatening his eyelids.

“Connor Andrew McKinley, we did not spend four hundred dollars a month for you to abandon us, abandon God and be a faggot. This is so selfish. You’re selfish to put your own sick desires before your own family!”

All the bravery he’d built up rushed away and tears now dripped down his freckled cheeks. “But, Dad please-“

“No.” He looked away, jaw and fists clenched. “Go pack.”

“What?”

“Go pack now. I want you out of here by tomorrow morning. I’m not letting you betray this family.”

Connor froze where he stood. All his mind and body went heavy and still except for his heart rapidly pounding against his ribs. He gave a pleading look to his sobbing mother. “...Mama?”

She looked up in her son’s eyes, and away. 

Connor stared at his parents for a long time, wordlessly. He stared at the same mother who would take him shopping Saturday mornings at the farmer’s market, so they could pick ingredients and cook Sunday’s supper together. He stared at the same father who pushed him down the street when he was seven on his bicycle, and carried him back to the house after he crashed into a bush and twisted his ankle. It was the same two parents Connor loved his whole life, and now they only saw him as a parasite to their family. What hurt the most was that absolutely nothing was different. He had always been nothing but a parasite to them; a freak, nothing more than a problem to be fixed. 

He walked stiffly back into his room, pulling the suitcase from under his bed. It never went far after the mission, a stray sock and airport sticker still lay in the bottom. Connor was at a loss of what to pack - he was at a loss of everything. His mind was filled with horrible, buzzing static preventing him from forming any coherent thought. He sat on the edge of his bed, completely still besides the tears rolling down his cheeks.

He suddenly remembered the phone in his pocket, and dialed.

“Hello? Connor?” He sighed with relief when his best friend picked up.

“Hey, uh, hey Poptarts.” Connor tried to keep his voice steady. “Sorry it's sort of late, it's um, kind of an emergency.”

“Oh, goodness okay, is everything alright?”

“Yeah, yeah well.. no. Not at all actually. Um, you told me something, a few nights before we flew home. And like, if the offer is off the table that’s totally okay, but you uh.. told me if I needed a place to stay, I could go to your house? Do you remember that?”

“Of course I do, and of course you still can- Oh jeez Con, what happened?”

“I um.. Came out. I told my parents.”

“...Oh.”

“They-They’re giving me a night to get out.” Connor’s voice cracked.

“Oh my gosh.. Connor, I am so so sorry, of course you can still stay here. It's kind of a long drive, but I’ll send you my address and the mapquest, okay?”

“Are you sure this is okay? I’m sorry, I don’t know where else to go…”

“It's absolutely okay. We have plenty of room, I’ll let my parents know.”

“Okay. Thank you, Pops. I-I can’t tell you how much this means to me.”

“I’m happy to. Love you, Con, stay safe.” 

He hung up, and stared back at the empty suitcase.

It was hours later, nearly midnight when Connor trudged up the basement stairs with his suitcase and backpack. His parents were still in the livingroom, now joined by his three younger brothers. 

“You can come back if and when you’ve decided to stop taking this family for granted.” His father stated coldly. “Boys, say goodbye to Connor.”

The twins, Michael and Matthew, were fifteen. They got up slowly and gave him loose hugs, not looking at him, with short simple goodbyes.

Daniel, eleven, ran from the couch and wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck. He squeezed back tightly.

“I’ll miss you, Danny.”

“I’ll miss you too, Con. You’re coming back, right?”

“I’ll.. I’ll try to visit as often as I can.”

“Where are you going?”

“A friend’s house. I’ll be okay, Danny, don’t worry.” Connor put on a smile for him, and stood up straight again to face his whole family. “I love you guys. I really do. I’ll call, or something, whether or not you answer is, um.. up to you, I guess.” He sighed.

And that was it. Connor was out the door, in the seat of his car, and pulled up the map for the six hour drive ahead of him from Greenville, Mississippi to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Connor made it two blocks before he had to pull over the car, and broke down into tears. 

~~~~~~

He finally arrived in Tulsa the next morning, after an exhausting drive which involved getting lost several times, and at one point pulling into a rest stop to sleep in his backseat. He’d barely had any highway experience before now.

Still, he had made it, and drove up and down neighborhood streets he’d never seen before. Chris’ house was relatively secluded, his street was a long dead end in a wooded area only serving to connect a handful of large driveways. Connor started getting anxious as the homes he passed got bigger. Was he in the right place? Was he trespassing somewhere? Rich neighborhoods always made him uneasy. At the end of the stretch of road was a huge house with the address he was given, complete with “The Thomases” painted on their mailbox. There was no mistaking he was in the right place - Chris was just loaded.

Connor left his things in the car for now and fidgeted as he rang the doorbell. A blonde woman answered the door. 

“Hello! You must be Connor! I’m Christopher’s mom, come in sweetheart.” He stepped in a high ceilinged front room. “Just go ahead and leave your shoes by the door, please”

“Oh, of course.” He hurriedly ditched his converse and offered his hand to shake. “Hello, right, I’m Connor McKinley. Its wonderful to meet you, Mrs. Thomas.”

She smiled politely and shook back. “Such a gentleman! You can just call me Stella. Chris is in the kitchen, just follow me sweetie.” Stella was young looking for the mother of a twenty-one year old, but not impossibly so. She was thin and petite, her bright hair was starting to fade near the roots, and her face was clear with stress lines. She smiled with all of her teeth, but not as much her eyes.

She lead him through a pristine dining room with large windows into the biggest kitchen Connor has ever seen. It had sleek hardwood floors and counter space all around with an island in the middle, topped with white marble countertops. Everything in their home looked like a photo cut out of a magazine. The room smelled of maple syrup.

“CONNOR!!!” He was suddenly being charged by a short, yellow haired young man who hugged him tight. 

“Poptarts!” He squeezed back. The boys stayed like that, not letting go for a long while. “Or, er, Chris? Do I have to ditch the nickname now?”

“Of course not.” He giggled. “Chris just sounds weird coming from you. Poptarts, Pt, Pops, they all still work.” He separated enough to look at Connor’s face. “It's been so long! Okay, maybe only a few months but I used to see you almost every hour of everyday so I just really really missed you!”

Connor smiled, glad to know his friend was still his adorable hyperactive self. “I missed you, too. I missed you like crazy.”

“Come on, sit! We just finished up breakfast but I saved you a plate.” Connor sat at the kitchen island and was greeted by a tall man in cashmere, who patted his back and shook his hand.

“Its so wonderful to finally meet you! I’m Mark, Chris’ dad. We’ve heard so much about the famous Elder McKinley.” He chuckled. “Welcome to the family, Connor. We’re happy to have you.”

“Oh, thank you, very much.” He shook the hand and tried to chuckle back. Mark radiated comfort, more than Connor was prepared for all at once. “Its nice to meet you too.”

“I’ll leave you boys to catch up.” He gave another pat on the back and slipped out.

“Sorry about them, if my parents come off strong, or anything.” Chris said, going to the fridge.

“Oh not at all, they’re really nice. I like them.”

“Well they just adore you. I told them about all your dancing and everything, they’ve been asking about you for months. You want some juice with breakfast?”

“Sure. Do you have apple?” He replied and Chris started pouring a glass. “This is all so incredibly sweet of you. You really don’t have to wait on me or anything.”

“I know I don’t.” The blonde sat beside him and started stealing bites of eggs of the plate. “I just know last night couldn’t have been easy. You must be exhausted, so I wanted to make sure you got a good meal, then I’ll show you your room and you can rest up.”

“Thanks, Pops. You’re the best.” Connor took his first bite of pancake, and his eyes went wide. “Oh my gosh, these are fantastic!”

“Yeah, they’re pretty good. My parents both bake, they own one of the most popular bakeries in the state.” Ah, that explains the house. “They do fancy wedding cakes and stuff.”

“Your parents should be arrested. These pancakes taste so good it shouldn’t be legal.” He wolfed the food down, not realizing how hungry he was.

“Slow down, there’s plenty more food where that came from. Trust me, my parents will have you twenty pounds heavier before the end of the week.” 

There was some silence before Chris spoke again. “So… Con, how are you holding up, after last night? Do you want to talk about it at all?”  
  
“Oh.. I don’t know.” He took a deep breath. Chris was kind, and always offered to listen to Connor vent or let things off his chest. The problem was Connor rarely wanted to. “I just… so much has happened really fast, I haven’t had a lot of time to process.” 

“That's alright. I’m here for you if you need some help processing, okay?”

“Thanks, Pt.”

After finishing up breakfast, Connor was lead upstairs for a brief tour and shown to the guest bedroom.

“This is my room at the left here, I mean duh, it says Chris on the door. So if you need anything you’re welcome in here, K? We shared a room for two years, I don’t care if you’re in there. And the middle of the hall is the bathroom, across from that is your room.” Christopher was clearly neglecting to mention the door at the end of the hall with the name “Isabella” painted across. Hanging underneath was a picture of the Salt Lake City temple and the words "Families are Forever." Connor didn’t say anything. 

Chris opened the door for him, to a quaint pastel blue guest room that appeared like it had never been used. “Need help getting your stuff up here?”

“I’ll get it later, but thank you. I think now I uh, I really just need a nap.”

“Sure thing, I’ll give you some space. Um.. Con?”

“Yeah?”

“I know the circumstances are, uh.. pretty terrible, but, I’m really glad you’re here.”

“Thanks.” Connor smiled. “I am, too.”

~~~~~

Connor woke up later that afternoon after a half successful attempt at napping. The dreams were worse after the previous night’s drive, and being in a new environment didn’t help, no matter how upscale this house was. His dreams flickered back and forth between scenes; some on the highway, several involving appearances from his parents, and in each one he was alone, cold, and abandoned. Eventually, his own physical exhaustion caught up with his mental state, and he was too tired to keep tossing or turning and fell into deep sleep, emerged in his nightmares. After waking up, he decided to finally bring his suitcase from his car into his room.

That evening, Connor joined the Thomas family for dinner. Chris’ parents’ talent for food didn’t stop at desert, they made delicious salmon with a medley of fresh grilled vegetables, and strawberry cheesecake for dessert. He vaguely wondered if Chris hadn’t dropped a few hints about all his favorite foods. Mr. and Mrs. Thomas interviewed Connor adoringly the whole time.

“Christopher tells us you dance!” Stella chimed. “How long? What styles?”

“Tap is my favorite, but I’ve learned a lot of jazz, too. I’ve taken lessons since I was six.”

“Really? That’s amazing. What about ballet? Have you ever taken ballet?” She pressed. Connor noticed Chris stiffen from the corner of his eye.

“I’ve had a couple classes on it, but it’s never been my forte.” 

“Oh. Um, Isabella did ballet, you know.” She kept a smile as her hands began to fidget. “Well what about college? Do you have any plans?”

“Um.. I wanted to go into theatre, and do a focus or a minor in dance. BYU and Southern Virginia offered me a lot of scholarship money, but um… Without my parents, its pretty up in the air.” He sighed.

“Oh, oh I’m sorry. So much just changed for you so quickly, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, thats entirely fine! It’s a normal question. I’m just trying to focus on the short term right now.” That was a lie, Connor wasn’t focused or sure about anything in his life right now. “I’ll need to get a job as soon as I can, and then I can get out of your hair-”

“Now, Connor, sweetie.” Stella smiled. “Don’t worry about that a bit. You’re family now, I mean that. You’re welcome here for as long as you need.”

“Well… Thank you. That’s awfully sweet. But I do mean it, about finding a job. I’ll help with bills or groceries if you want.”

Matt half smiled like that was amusing. “Well, thank you Connor, that’s very thoughtful. But we aren’t concerned about that.”

After dinner, he insisted on helping clean, even if it was somewhat clumsy. It’s always difficult to be helpful in other people’s homes, without knowing where the cleaning supplies are or how they like their dishes organized. Connor didn’t want to accidentally ruin their magazine kitchen and dining room somehow, but he figured he’d have to learn how chores work here eventually.

The two best friends then made their way up to Chris’ room. They made themselves the perfect sleepover, with snacks and music and games. They talked well into the night for hours on end - Connor loved that about Chris, they never ran out of things to talk about together. 

“So you’ve been writing to Kevin, right?” Chris asked, making something from origami paper while Connor looked up quizzes online.

“Everyday. He sends letters back when he can. That reminds me, I’ll need to give him your address.”

“When’s he getting back to the states?”

“Next month. Twenty one days. I want to use what's in my savings to get a plane out to Provo and see him.”

“I’m sure my parents wouldn’t mind helping you out.”

“Absolutely not. I’m already asking too much of them as it is.” 

“Not really, if you can find some cheap airfare.” Chris sighed and focused on Connor. “They kind of… need someone to take care of, you know? After me being gone so long, they kind of got empty nest syndrome. And, um… You remind them a lot of Isabella. So I think that's a big reason why.” 

Connor felt a lump in his throat. Chris had talked about his sister with him before, but it was never comfortable. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing.

“I don’t want to take advantage of them.”

“And you won’t, I know you won’t. Maybe they could fix you up with a job at the bakery, and you just work for them? It would just make them feel good to be a little, I don’t know, depended on.”

Connor had always been an independent. He generally wanted to be worried for as little as possible, and would much prefer to do the worrying himself. He never felt comfortable when people asked how he was feeling or gave him help or took care of him. He especially didn’t feel comfortable accepting gifts because he happens to be similar to a cancerous daughter. He did suppose, however, a job couldn’t hurt.

~~~~~

Three weeks later, Connor’s cell phone wouldn’t leave his hand, and he must have checked it every two minutes. What if Kevin didn’t get his new number? It only changed a few weeks ago after his parents cut Connor from their phone plan, and mail travelled so slow...

Patience, he tried to remind himself. Kevin’s probably still on the plane, then he’ll be with his whole family, he might not get a chance to call until tonight. Maybe even tomorrow. Not to mention Kevin would be an hour behind him in Provo. Still, Connor would die for even just a text right now. 

His wish came true that evening. His phone started to ring for a facetime and Connor ran to his room to answer.

“Hey!!” He answered, beaming.

“Connor!!” A thousand and a half miles away, Kevin Price clutched his chest and fell backwards onto his bed. “You have no idea how badly I missed your voice.”

“Oh I know, you too. Lord I needed this. How are you? How was the trip home, how are you doing?”

“I’m great! Goodbyes were hard, but, Arnold and I exchanged numbers and I’m still gonna write to Nabalungi, so, there’s bright sides. I’m just happy to be in real clothes again.” Kevin chuckled, and turned the phone camera so Connor could see the hoodie he was wearing.

“I know the feeling. Shame, though, you really pulled off the missionary look.” Connor giggled. He was the happiest he’s been in months.

“Oh hush. I swear I’m burning all those old clothes.” Kevin’s low chuckle over the phone made him weak. “You actually sound kind of different. I can hear your southern coming through, babe. Its precious.”

“What? Stop! You’re such a flirt.” 

“You know you love it. So how are you? Some of your letters worried me, Con, how are you holding up?”

“Oh, um… I’m doing as best I can. My family still hasn’t really spoken to me… But Poptarts’ parents are incredibly sweet. And, i started a job pretty recently. Well, its at his parents’ bakery, but it's not bad there.”

“That’s great! Well, its not really great, the situation… but Con, I’m so proud of you for how strong you’ve been through all this. You’ve been to hell and back, but you’re still pushing through, and you’re staying true to yourself. You aren’t letting your parents control you anymore, and I think its very admirable.”

“Thank you, Kev.” He smiled shyly. “You have no idea how good it is to hear from you.”

“I know. Its not much, but, its certainly better than letters, atleast until maybe we can arrange a way to visit.”

“Actually, about that…” Connor smirked. “I have a surprise.” He got up and went to the desk in his room, and showed Kevin a plane ticket to Utah over the phone camera.

“Oh my god.. Con, is that- you didn’t!” Kevin shrieked like a teenage girl.

“Oh, but I did.” He said playfully.

“So, so you’re really coming here? For real? Thats amazing! When?”

“Next week. Um… would you be able to house me? If not I can get a motel-“

“You are absolutely not getting a motel. We have plenty of room for you, don’t worry.” Kevin interjected.

“Thanks. But do you need to ask your parents first?”

“They won’t mind. Well… they won’t mind as long as, um.. I just tell them you’re a friend coming over.”

“Oh…” Connor’s heart sank. Of course he couldn’t blame Kevin for not coming out yet, these things take time. He just couldn’t stand the thought of playing straight for a week in front of the Price family.

“But then we can tell them together, right? It should be special that way.”

“Yes, absolutely. You should have someone there for you. Believe me.”

“Right… I can’t wait to see you again, sweetheart. This is the best homecoming gift a guy could ever ask for. I should go.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “My parents decided tonight should be family night, since I’m back or whatever. I’ll text you later tonight.”

“Have fun.” Connor teased. “Love you, Kev.”

“Love you more, Connie.” And the call ended.

~~~~~~

Connor was on a plane a week later to Provo, Utah. His heart pounded hard in his nearly the entire trip. He had to make a perfect impression to Kevin’s family- He knew all too well how difficult telling the Price’s about their relationship was about to be for Kevin. He was also too excited to contain himself, his stomach was rampant with butterflies. Finally, he could see Kevin again, touch him again, hug and kiss him again. The thought made Connor tear up a number of times on the plane ride.

He stepped out of the gate and scanned the hundreds of people charging up and down the airport. It crossed his mind vaguely they may not even recognize each other. Its been months, they had never seen eachother in casual clothes, and-

A familiar, resonant voice cut through the crowd and stole Connor’s attention. A tall brunette waved across the floor, grinning wide with his perfect white teeth. He held a sign reading “Connor McKinley: Cutest Boy in this Airport” in pink letters and adorned with hearts and glitter.

Connor ran as fast as his legs could carry him and jumped onto Kevin, wrapping his arms around the taller boy’s neck and smothering him in kisses. 

“Kevin, oh my gosh!” He already had tears in his eyes. “You have no idea how happy I am to see you.”

“I think I know the feeling. God Con, I didn’t think it was possible for you to be any more handsome, but I was wrong.”

“Oh, please. Look at you!” The redhead gestured up and down to Kevin in jeans and a black American Eagle hoodie. His hair was messier, his skin tanner. It made Connor’s bones feel about a hundred degrees warmer.

Kevin stole his lips one more time. “You like the sign?”

“I love the sign. I can’t believe you just made everyone here read that.” He giggled.

“I’d shout this from the intercom if they let me. Come on cutie, lets get out of here. We can stop for a snack before getting to my house.”

Connor’s felt warm, happy buzzing throughout his entire body. Being with Kevin again was like falling in love for the first time. Here he was, in Kevin’s car, hearing Kevin’s laugh, eating french fries and watching him drink crappy Mcdonald’s coffee while a Modest Mouse song played. It felt so impossibly normal. As if they didn’t meet halfway across the world and lived regular teenage lives; no mission, no church, just plain young love. Connor felt like the main character in a cheesy young adult romance novel, and he absolutely adored it.

“So…” Kevin started, driving back to his house. “I told you my parents don’t exactly know yet…”

“And that’s okay! We don’t have to say anything until you’re ready, you don’t even have to during this trip.”

“No, I want to. Today, even. I want you with me when I do.” He forced a smirk. “I know if my parents see you, they’ll instantly understand why I’m in love.”

Connor blushed. “You’re sweet. I’ll be by your side the whole time, okay? You don’t deserve to go through this alone.”

“No one does. I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Con. You don’t deserve anything that happened.”

“Don’t be sorry. It isn’t your fault. But no matter what happens, I’ll be here for you.”

“Thanks, babe.” Kevin gave him a soft smiled and pulled into an upscale suburb. Each house had two stories, a two car garage and white picket fences that ran together on the clean sidewalk and green grass. He pulled his sedan into the driveway of a large blue house with white trim, not outstanding from any of the neighboring homes. He got out and got Connor’s luggage from the back. Kevin somehow looked sharper at the edges now, in comparison to the gleaming picture of Provo suburbia behind him.

The inside was bright and off white, Connor was immediately greeted by several Price family portraits. Kevin glowed in them the same way he glowed when he first stepped foot in their mission hut, even in the younger photos of him. Their were other bright eyed brunettes in the photos who must have been his siblings. Connor thought Kevin managed to outshine them even in family photos, but maybe he was biased. They surrounded a sign with a quote painted in cursive - “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Heb 11:1.

The boys headed into a spacious living room, and they were greeted by a woman with dyed hair wearing a Talbot’s blouse. “You’re back! And you, you must be Connor.” She immediately hugged him. “I’m Cynthia, Kevin’s mom. It's so nice to meet you! Kev told us all about his mission friends, he said you two were very close. You were his district leader, weren’t you?”

“Uh, yes. I was. Its great to meet you too, Mrs. Price.”

“Come on and meet the rest of the family!” She pulled him into the center of the living room, where a large corner sofa surrounded him, clad with the entire Price household. “This is April, Jack, Nathan, Eric, and my husband, David. Everyone, this is Kevin’s friend from the mission, Connor! He’ll be staying with us for the week.”

David, tall and bulky, stood and firmly shook Connor’s hand. “Welcome. We’re glad to have to have you.”

“Um, thank you, its nice to meet you, sir. And thank you so much for having me.” He said. Part of Kevin’s dad reminded him of meeting powerful figures in the church.

 

Kevin yanked Connor away from his family to give him a brief tour of the home, and lead him up to his bedroom. It had green walls and trophies and certificates lined on one wall for tennis, swimming, track, and different church honors. A window faced the backyard where a hot tub could be seen on their patio. The buzzing feeling came back - Connor was completely surrounded by Kevin Price. His achievements, his belongings, the mess he already started making after being back only a week. Connor made his way over to the closet and nearly melted to the floor.

“Look at all these!” He skimmed through t shirts and sweaters. “I’m totally stealing all your clothes.”

Kevin laughed. “By all means, I realized once I got back I kind of hate most of them now. And I outgrew most of them.” 

Connor beamed as he started pulling on a hoodie, and sniffed the inside. “I love it.”

“Then it's all yours, baby.”

The two spent the next two hours together, laid out on Kevin’s bed, tangled in each other’s limbs. They talked on and on about the last part of Kevin’s mission, their different homecoming parties, plans for the future. The two stole kisses and just blissfully absorbed the company they had missed for so long. Connor could almost feel it again, the freedom he had missed so badly since returning to America. Surrounded by Kevin’s warmth, hearing bright rumble of his voice, it was so easy to forget about the complete mess his life had become. 

They indulged in each other's company until Kevin kissed his boyfriend’s hand, and told him he was ready. The warmth and butterflies in Connor’s stomach quickly turned to boiling hot tar. He reluctantly made sure to remove the hoodie to make the best impression possible.

There the young men stood, clutching each other's hands, as they faced Kevin’s parents. Thankfully his siblings had gone off. Connor put on his brightest mormon boy face, trying to be perfect for their judging eyes.

“Mom, Dad… I have something I should tell you about Connor.” 

Cynthia eyed their clasped hands suspiciously. “Yes?”

Kevin took a deep breath and squeezed the other boy’s palm. His mind went blank, his mouth dry, he shut off everything in brain except the ability to say three words. “He’s my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend…?” Cynthia repeated.

“Yes. I, um, realized a lot of different things about myself, on the mission...and um, one of them is that I’m gay.” Kevin sealed his mouth shut after he said that. Connor’s never seen him afraid to speak out before.

Kevin’s parents were both dead silent. They barely reacted, and just watched the two boys intently. Connor felt as though he was under a microscope.

“So…” His father, finally started. “This is your boyfriend staying in our home for the next week?” 

“Yes, sir.” Kevin replied quickly.

“Well.” Cynthia’s lips made a straight line. Connor guessed it was an attempt at smiling. “We’re… glad you shared this with us, Kevin.”

And that was it. The conversation ended almost sooner than it began, and the two boys headed upstairs to help Connor unpack. He was dumbfounded. There had been no yelling, no names, no throwing their son on the streets. That should be a good thing, right?

However, Kevin’s parents were far from accepting, and long time masters of turning emotions off. The Price family was a dollhouse - perfect and clean, but fragile, and easily broken if played with too roughly.

The first crack in their dollhouse was insisting Connor take their guest bedroom. 

Kevin tried to politely protest. The two had shared a bed before, plenty of times, but he couldn’t just tell his parents that. He needed most well-mannered mormon way to ask permission to cuddle his boyfriend. “Are you sure Mom? I mean, I have plenty of room in my bedroom, so we don’t have to worry about the sheets or anything-“ 

“He’s going in the guest bedroom, Kevin. Wouldn’t you be comfier there, Connor?” She didn’t let him reply. “Guest bedroom it is.” 

Connor knew his arguing would only get Kevin in trouble, no matter how badly he missed being in his boyfriend’s arms at night. He decided to keep his mouth shut.

The next crack came that night during dinner with the family. Connor wasn’t drilled or interviewed like most new boyfriends being brought home would have been. Instead, Kevin’s brother Jack had invited his girlfriend, Angelica, for dinner as well. Apparently they’d been dating eight months. She wasn’t new, but she was a girl, which made her a thousand times more important to the family than Connor. 

This was fine by him, he was happier outside of the Price’s microscope. He cleaned his plate, offered to help pick up the mess, and finally he and Kevin were able to have some alone time.

“You brought swim trunks, right?” Kevin asked, grabbing Connor’s hand and hurrying him upstairs to change. 

“Yes, just like you reminded me to about a hundred times.” He giggled back.

“Good. Jeez, I still can’t believe you’ve never been in a hot tub before. It’ll be just like the lake in Kitguli! But warmer, and there’s not mud and algae, and its cleaner.” Kevin brought him into a tight embrace, kissing his cheek. “And we can be closer.”

Connor’s whole body blushed. They changed into trunks (and saw each other naked, in the same room, which was absolutely nothing new and the mere thought probably would have made Cynthia Price faint) and ran down the stairs toward the back porch.

“Where do you two think you’re going?” David’s voice stopped them cold.

“Um…” Kevin searched for the least gay way to say they were going to make out in a hot tub. “I was gonna show Con the jacuzzi?” 

“Jack and Angelica are using it right now.”

“...oh.”

“Why don’t you give them some space? Its getting late anyway, and Connor’s had a long trip. I think he should be getting to bed.”

“But Dad-“

“No buts, Kevin. Get some clothes on and get to bed. Now.”

The boys slumped back to Kevin’s bedroom, who went to go get clean pillows and sheets while Connor got into his pajamas. He sat at the other boy’s desk, alone for the first time, and stared out a window facing the backyard.

Angelica was in a pink string bikini, wrapped around Jack and certainly not behaving like the perfect mormon teenagers Kevin’s parents thought they were. In the back of his mind, Connor knew it was insanely creepy to stare. He tried not to, and opted to look at Kevin’s posters spotted on his walls- a map of Disney World, a couple of bands he liked, some LDS quotes Kev probably planned to tear down soon- but his eyes kept floating back to the couple in the hot tub.

Connor knew envy was a sin. But he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help that his insides twisted and felt like slime whenever he saw happy heterosexuals enjoy the things he couldn’t.

Jack and Angelica got to makeout in a hot tub. Jack won’t ever have to worry about his parents kicking him out of their home. 

Straight people got all the movies, all the duets, all the fairytales. Straight people’s parents come to their straight weddings that they’ve been legally allowed since the dawn of time. Straight people never get sent to therapy or had their bishops tell them being straight was hurting their family and to “turn off” their straight feelings. Straight people never had nightly dreams of burning in hell and being tortured for being straight. Straight people don’t have to spend two years in a country where they could have been arrested at any given time if the wrong person saw them kissing their boyfriend. 

Connor had a long, complicated relationship with the heterosexual population - first, pretending to be one. Then simply wishing he was one. Now, finally able to accept himself for who he is, he was just horribly, disgustingly jealous of them.

He suddenly felt warm, familiar arms drape around his shoulders. It was like stepping in a warm store on a freezing January night. He leaned into Kevin and sighed.

“I’m sorry- about everything. I know today’s been pretty shitty, but I’m so glad you’re here, Con.”

“Don’t be sorry. I’m glad I’m here, too.” He turned so he could kiss the boy around him. “I should get to bed, I don’t want to get you in trouble.” 

“Right… are you gonna be okay?” Kevin asked, and ran a hand gently through Connor’s red hair.

“Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be fine.” That was a lie. New environments and being alone always made the nightmares worse. “Actually… Kev, could I maybe sleep in one of your shirts or something? I think the smell will help me sleep.”

Kevin smiled sweetly and took the high school swim team shirt from right off his body and handed it to his boyfriend. “Of course, sweetheart. You can take my whole closet if it helps.” 

“Thank you, babe. I love you.” They kissed goodnight, and Connor headed into the guest bedroom down the hall.

He climbed into bed and held the shirt up to his face, trying to inhale Kevin’s scent as he shut his eyes. 

Despite the blankets and summer weather, he still shivered. The silence was stiff and heavy, yet Connor swore he could hear something. It sounded like faint whispers that grew louder as he drifted into heavier sleep. It sounded like distorted voices of his parents, reminding him how much of a disappointment he is. Then Kevin’s parents, reminding him how he destroyed this family just like he destroyed his own. The room began to run out of air, Connor’s face and pillow were wet with tears.

The door opened and Connor went stone cold and shut his eyes tight. Warm, familiar arms draped over him once again, and Kevin pressed a kiss to his temple before sliding under the covers.

“I was never going to just leave you alone, silly.” He held Connor tight, and wrapped his body around him. “Fuck different rooms. I did not wait three and a half months to not cuddle the love of my life.”

Connor let out a breath and smiled, and leaned into Kevin’s embrace. “Love you.”

“Love you too, babe. Sleep tight.”

His eyes fluttered closed, a smile on his face as he drifted to sleep. Straight people could keep their hot tubs and movies and fairytales. This is all Connor ever wanted.


End file.
